Love: Unreturned and Incomplete



Standing on the ledge of hostel’s rooftop it’s all quiet up here. There is no glittering moon, or the stars. The sky is swelled by the thundering clouds.  This has always been my spot, away from everyone in solitude, where I can be all by myself and be as I like to be. But I don't know why it is as such, that the way it used to lighten up the mood is not same anymore. Everything has changed. Time has passed. I never thought it would fly that fast. It’s been a year now but it still feels like yesterday when writing Shayaris, bunking classes & waiting for her to be online (while listening to some songs like ‘Dil Ibadat’, ‘Tere Mast-Mast Do Nain’, ‘Top of world’etc. etc.) were the only activities which kept me busy all day. It was nice to have someone around, whom I could trust and can talk about anything.

I still remember every moment I spent talking to her. From teasing to cracking silly jokes, listening to her nonsense and talking nonsense back, I never knew when she had carved a space in my heart. We shared poems, even discussed technical subjects or deep philosophies for long hours… and when the verses had ceased to flow and there was nothing left to talk about, we just flirted. It was nothing serious to begin with, but looking back now, I miss those moments every day.

Since then many things have changed. This wasn’t a No String Attached situation. There was more complexity than I could anticipate. Something I hadn’t given a thought. Scars left at that point of time have deepened, countless tears have been shed. Her laughter still echoes; her smile still lights up the dark corners of my heart. I think about her and remember her lines “Yaar! Hamara to Make up se pehle hi Break up ho gaya! Sometimes when I lay awake in my bed in the midst of the night it feels terrible to know that I will not be able to be with her ever. In such moments of anguish, I repeatedly dial her number; only to disconnect before it starts ringing. It hurts a lot not being able to talk to her. It hurts to lose a good friend like her. Most of all, it kills me inside as I struggle to cope with the depths of my loneliness.

Can you imagine the heaviness in your heart if you were to walk along a dark road with the rain thrusting heavily against your body as you cried? You shed tears for her; every droplet of it longing for her; for her well-being. You pen down many a Shayaris as memoir to her love. Your friends praise you for it; trying to comfort you, trying to cheer you up, but you remain completely empty inside. Battling the pangs of separation, as you replay the conversation you had with her, you wish if it could be changed. You wish if the situation could have been different. At that very moment you yearn just to be with her… hold her hands or watch her stroke away the curls from her eyes. God, you want to hold her, hug her with all your love, and never let go. But then, like a sudden bolt from the heavens, it strikes you that it’s not going to happen. Dreams, fantasy and imagination never translate to reality. 

You stand there on the wet concrete, feeling the hardness of the rain against your body while it soaks through every inch of you hushing into your consciousness; you wonder if she loves you back even the smallest fraction of the love you have for her.

She might have moved on in her life, and this might have been just another case of one-sided, unrequited love. But she will always have a special place in my heart. She was the one who made my Shayaris come to life. She is the one who made possible the transformation of a nascent poet, buried somewhere inside me, into the Shayar that I am now. Whenever I will look back in time, revisiting those wonderful moments in my solitude, I will remember her as the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

Back to the rooftop, I am still standing here all alone; while the cold breeze caresses my body, while the world outside is buried in cold slumber. It seems I am the only unhappy soul on this earth. Looking up at the night-sky, I see a flash of lightning, followed by the roar of thunder. And in these moments, I can feel the rush of a thousand heartbreaks as I breathe heavily with the realization of a love unreturned and incomplete. 

 
Dil Ka Har Kona Ab Viraan Hua Pada Hai
Teri Umeed Thi Jo Hasa-Khela Karti Thi !!



Painting Credits: Amrita Sengupta




The Dark Hours



Hell no!! Not again. It’s well past midnight and yet sleep continues to elude me. All I can do is lie awake restlessly on bed. My roomies are comfortably asleep and I wonder why I can’t. Tick-Tock tick-tock. The clock ticks like it’s mocking me and time passes by me as I continuously turn sides on my bed. And then there comes the train of thoughts. The race from one thought to another never seems to stop.

Sometimes it’s so much chaos inside me that I just want to get out of my mind. I wonder how it must feel to be free from all these thoughts, to be free from why, what, when and how; to keep distance from all this crap that creeps into my mind. Many a times these thoughts turn rampant, raising stupendous sandstorms that seem to roll me upside down from within. I can’t even close my eyes because I am afraid that I might get lost in the clash of these thoughts. I wish there were some kind of STOP button for this. Life would be bed of roses!!!

But you can’t do anything about it. The more you keep running away from it, the more it irritates you. You can just be a mere spectator of these thoughts; the thoughts which are always either about past (regretting about it) or future (worrying about it). Your heart wants to cry out loud. It wants to break out of the moth that has wrapped it completely. You want this anarchy to stop.

So desperately I plug in the headphone and turn on some hardcore metal songs, just to outdo the thoughts (give me a fucking break man!!). The song plays. My subconscious mind chants the lyrics. But damn it!! The thoughts won’t go away.

Sometimes it suffocates. I feel the stiffness. I feel as if I am packed inside like sardines. I won’t be able to withstand it for long. I feel like running away from the room. Run away from my fucking life!! I want to break free far away from all this agitation, this restlessness. Does that mean I need to commit suicide? No way!! That would cause more problem than solve any.

One must be thinking one can easily escape, that one can throw out these thoughts just like thrash from the Recycle Bin. One click and it’s gone!!! But my friend Life on the contrary is not that simple. Whatever you try to do, wherever you try to escape; it comes back to you and sits on the most highlighted area of your conscience. One moment it’s all gone and you think it’s all over, but one second later as you turn around it surprises you with it’s even more wraithlike image. 

You start trembling and are scared of this pitfall where you are tossed. And in these darkest hours of yours, all you are left with is a shudder, numbness & a dark blank unknown place where you wish you had never fallen to!!!

So you decide to fight back. You want to get out of this trap. But the Catch-22 is that it’s your own mind; your own mind has entrapped you. You have to fight with a part of yourself. So you fight anyway and you fight like a bull, but alas! There comes the moment when there is not enough fight left in you.

You feel weak and broken. You just want to lean on someone. Someone who can hold you, hug you; someone who will tell you that it’s all going to be okay while caressing your hairs as you lay your head on those heartening shoulders. Someone who will make you laugh with some silly jokes when tears start to roll down your face. But there’s no one here. You are all alone walking along a never ending road.

So you turn your face into the wind, hoping with everything inside you that it will not only blow any trace of the tears from your face, but blow away this feeling of restlessness… blow away the feelings and emotions that caused those tears to be there in the first place.

Unfortunately, the pain inside you overrides the strength of the winds and all you are left with is more tears. More tears and the knowledge that there’s no one to wipe your tears. It’s only you and your loneliness. So you force a smile on your face and just like that you walk away from everything but the restlessness.

"Khush Dikhta Hoon Main Agar , To In Alfaazon Mein Ye Dard Kaisa
Chup-Chaap Rehta Hoon Main Agar, To Ye Dil Mein Macha Shor Kaisa“