Dear four or five readers,



In the beginning there was only a single energy, just a point of light. That energy, of course, had some spark to it, some kind of hidden potential. It had the essence of quintessential details of every beautiful and rusty form that could ever occur in this universe. As it would have been expected, the energy began to explore and reach out, to discover what more it could become. So it began to rotate like a sparkling, swirling spiral of dancing diva. It’s said by the great maharishi Hakuna Matata that the energy couldn’t just contain itself. So it disintegrated into two halves leaving one half to pursue the other up to infinity. 

Let’s call one half as the Lord and the other half as the Lady. One had the strength of Mass while the other was strong in Matter. They both became each other’s compliment, each other’s ying-yang polarity, to become whole again only by uniting together with the invisible bond of love. And when they indeed fell in love with each other, they consummated it by making love. 

Lady moaned, her insides felt like lava. The crashing waves overpowered the sounds of this lovemaking. There was no world yet. It was just them. And they were floating in sensual turbulence. They collided just as the ocean pound the rocks today. 

This made swirls in that spiral dance of energy like ripples in a pond. These became the suns, the stars, the moons, and the planets. And thus the sea hammered the earth, and night lights twinkled at the distance. 

Finally they coupled, they kissed and life made a rotation. That first kiss was as delicate and soft as the petals of a beautiful rose. It was a kiss that asked questions that neither of them had answers for yet. It was there, the heaven and hell were created too. For the destiny had entirely different plan in its store!

The lady grew pregnant with love, with a new form of energy. Energy created by the force of their love. She gave birth to oodles of spirits raining bright down upon the world. Some took the form of the Lord; some took the form of the Lady. But the ratio of Matter and Mass were not equally distributed. And that’s how every person is different and yet same.

Now when they came of age, when they were full of bright light! They began searching for their counterpart, their soul mate, regardless of the sex they'd been born in. Then more life was created. So came the universe and so came forth life, out of love. The end? No! Now was the beginning. 

You see, I have kind of an empirical philosophy that shapes my outlook derived from experiments and observations rather than just simple plain theory. It involves my willingness to let life carry me along in its wake like a toad flowing under the current of a river. But often now and every then, I would contemplate these thoughts on this white paper just like this lazy Friday evening, tucked inside my quilt, to dream in this infinite mystery. Plus, I drink; I smoke and I take a lot of short naps.

But I am no Casanova or a love guru to lecture you over soul mates, and love, and all that truck load of shit which comes with it. To be very frank with you, I haven't exactly been successful in love. It's like I’ve got JavaScript installed in my soul and women are still programming with HTML-5. Every women I like, has either a boyfriend, or a husband, or a girlfriend, or you know, standards. They all like a guy like barfi; kind, funny and smart but none of them would take him home in the end. No. Never. Not. Full stop. 

But… 

But as dillogical by heart and stupid with calculations and facts, you gotta believe that the moment, you, as energy, were created in this world, something else was also born too. Your one exact reflection of your soul in this entire universe and beyond ‘who’ vibrates and oscillates at the same frequency of light that you do, do exist! This is really quite a liberating thought, if you think about it. Right? Huh! However, the story is a bit more twisted and “involved” rather than this much simplification of the explanation.

So back to the story; you take a form of life, and your only, begins a journey towards you too. It might be slow, but it never stops. Wherever, whatever way you go, it will follow – may be faster, may be slower, but always floating towards you. You will run, it will walk. You will rest, it will not. Yes, sometimes it happens that you meet them and recognize them instantly behind the eyes of each other. The eyes, as they say are "the windows of the soul." 

They also say and I quote: “Even their voices are familiar to each other's ears, like a remembered chord of music. These are two who immediately sense the unalterable fact that they have been--are--and must always be One; even though they might have fought against their fate for centuries and struggled in vain to escape their linked destiny.”

But one fine day, you will hang around in the same place too long - you will sit too still, too tired maybe or asleep too deep. And then, too late, you will wake up to go, and right there you will notice a second pair of feet next to yours. Your life will then take a new route.

As they say and I quote somewhat in my words, “When you will find your soul mate, it would be like that feeling you get after the first big snowfall of the year in December or November. It can be October too, by the way. Anyways, you will stroll outside to go sledding, skipping and you will go to the top of the steepest hill you can find, and there, you know, your heart will start racing and you will get all sweaty, even though all your boogers are frozen over, and... the next thing you know, you are smiling down in Ishq- Street, laughing and crying all at the same time, and you will never want it to end. And that's what real love will feel like.” 

So in short, no one should settle with anything less or anybody else. It would be terrible. But that’s not what happens. Reality whispers in the midst of the story under my ears, “Mind if I come in”. 

* sigh *

I guess, this is the idea that for everyone in the world, there is ONE soul mate ‘who’ is perfect for them. They say, “You don't have to look like your soul mate, act like them, be the same age as them; heck, you don't even have to like them at first, but from the moment you meet them, or arranged for you maybe, you'll never be completely happy without them. Everyone experiences it differently, because everyone is different, even your soul mate.” 

So the best way to describe it is a strong connection that feels almost like a gravitational pull. Every soul has its own gravitational pull. Don’t confuse a little attraction and infatuation with love. Lust and love are evil twins. Remember Hell and heaven! All these imaginary aspects are real on some ground. 

They again say and I again quote, “Some soul mates can sense when their other half is in danger or in pain, while others can communicate with each other telepathically. Once soul mates discover each other, they will never be completely happy without the other by their side. No matter how much distance they put between each other, they will always end up back together again by fate. Soul mates could be best friends, perfect strangers, or even mortal enemies; the Soul mate Principle does not discriminate.”

I don’t know who these “they” are but they seem to have got it all right. I haven’t got it right yet. So I keep on driving my car. I really should focus on the road. They say, “Writing while driving is illegal”.

Now I know you, you as in four or five regular readers of my blog posts which I write once in every century, yes you, might be whispering under your nose:

— “Does it get any easier?”
And I would quote someone again:
—“Oh, God, no. But... the human mind is a wonderful thing. It forgets pain, so you can go out and get some more.”

Seriously, who are these people who quote so much and write so much? I mean can you believe the amount of pure shit-stuffs people just keep on piling on their blog posts, words by word, and pages per page. I would never do that. I never lie. But never trust me. Seriously!

PS: By the way, the real reason behind this lengthy blog post was, what I am going to say now... amm which I am about to say any second now... ammmm vis a vis.... ammm the following ... 
Let me try again, I actually wanted to apologize every soul I have ever hurt along the way, intentionally or unintentionally. Sp with this thought, I will now give rest to my fingers and backbone because I will have to do a backbone surgery tomorrow for sure. Okay with at most respect from my heart and with utmost sincerity, I will say this one time only and that too only in one word:

“I’m sorry” 

Actually I am sorry again. Those were like three words camouflaged in two. You see the pattern. I should stop, comma, full stop.



Of broken dreams and ashen hopes



Of broken dreams and ashen hopes, they were living a rented life of prisoners without a prison. He was stuck on the same road of sadness which went through inferiority complex and she… well, she was the pretty damsel in distress found inside the captivity of her boudoir.

But a disruptive heart finds solace in the most un-convenient and prohibited places only. He found her special. He saw the silhouette of a hausfrau, alone, behind the shady window curtains of a high walled villa.  She moved with the lightest of motion, swaying to the symphony of the evening breeze, the allegro of falling leaves, the concerto of birds chirping simultaneously. It was as if she was made of waves and oscillations. Her one piece dress tuned perfectly with her body curves to form a sinusoidal wave. So swift, soft and supple, that even physics took a break to watch her walk and move her lips.

But as much as I (writer) would like to write this story with this delicacy of hand-picked chosen words, this post really isn’t about a love story. It’s about the pain and frustration we all have gone through at some point of time in our life:
Do you remember that horrible morning, when you had to bid Good-bye to your parents on your first school day. I know, I cried like a six year old baby. Well to be fair, I was a six year old baby. That was the first time, I felt the dagger of separation plunged into my heart. Or remember when your best friend in the 5th class got transferred to another city. Or to make it simple, when you lost your cricket ball in bushes or broke your favorite toy or anything. You got the idea, right? 

Now as you grow up, your attachment toward things and people around you increases manifold. And it hurts like a bitch when you lose them. But above all, when you lose that soul in this world which is made up of same electrons, protons or equal matter and space as your soul, the separation becomes unbearable. It’s like anal-sex but only opposite. Go figure.

Anyways, my point is you can always go ahead and buy another cricket ball which exactly looks like the lost one or make other friends who are special in their own unique ways. In fact, if you have an honest heart and transparent feelings you can even find the next right person for you. 

But here’s the real deal. The break-ups are tough. No… no… actually break-ups are easy. It’s the aftermath which is a sour pill to swallow. An ocean of expired memories which holds the abrupt volcanoes and tornadoes of quivering emotions and then the quietness of silent, stoic resignation into the dark of night. What do you do then?

How do you cope up with the fact that you have lost a partner to her narcissism. That the person finds you no more interesting or intriguing. How do you deal with those innocent emotions now, which are left bereft of their grace because of getting used and raped, again and again, just to quench their loneliness? What do you do at the moment when you are crying out loud from your lungs and the person just hangs up on you and blocks you on every social media platform. How do you behave when they straight forwardly tells you that they are happy with someone else now? How do you react when you can see that they just can’t wait for this chapter to end? You were just another adventure trip in their life?

May be there’s no remedy or yoga for this fucked up feeling churning inside your stomach. Maybe it is just a phase you have to go through. Maybe it’ll get better with time. Maybe if I beg enough, she’ll come back. Maybe I should text her now. Whoa! That escalated quickly.

You see, that person is happy with someone else and you have to deal with this fact now. To put things in perspective and looking at it with the angle of logic; You see, a person… a living human is not your property or your dog that you can tie ’em up in your basement till they finally start loving you again. 

Nope that’s not the way. I mean.. yeah sure… it’s entirely different when you objectify ‘em while having sex. You know, those role playing things. “You-are-my-property, You-are-my-slave”. Treating them like an animal or like actually tying them up on bed in the morning while she is asleep just before leaving for office and only to come back home to find her turned into a hot-red-faced-angry-tigress ready to devour you and ‘yours-only’ as whole. That is entirely different.

You stick to the basics: “If you love someone, you let them go.”

I know. It’s not that easy said and done. You cling on. You beg. You cry. You drink and dial. You say mean things. Things that you never meant to say. There’s drama and melancholy. You violently masturbate to a few “happy” memories. You break down under the shower and cry yourself to sleep on the wet bathroom floor.

But trust me. It all ends. One fateful afternoon (or morning if you get up early) you will wake up and realize that the horrible person, who left you, was indeed right to leave you. You are in fact a pathetic little piece of shit. I mean, it took hundred million years of human evolution to produce a loser like you? Come on man. You have been tirelessly fighting a war, that you’ve long lost. Do you feel that void settling in? It is gone mate. It is time to pull your shit together and look in other direction.

So no more stalking their profile. Delete all those text messages. No more texting them on a lonely night when you’re very hormonal and sad. No more calling them when you’re drunk. And the khatarnaak level: No more masturbating to old memories just because you can’t sleep.

Of course you trip several times through this process. You go back to being that pathetic loser again. But ultimately, I promise the nightly sadness and longing trims down to a monthly affair and finally turns into something that you used to do.

Things do get better with time, my friend. May be months or years if you are a sticky one. But eventually every kind of feeling subsides. Everything is equal to zero in the end. No. There is no happily ever after, where you get back together. Stop day dreaming. But yes, there isn’t any hate left there either. You will forever remember her like a docile cloud over your rooftop of house after a rainy night. You will see that smile forming in that cloud which is fading away slowly to the sunlight. But it never really fades away.



तितर-बितर


तितर-बितर हर तरफ
दिल के
ज़ार-ज़ार टुकड़े बटोरता
एक खयाल,
एक बूंद आंसू
बन कर निकला !
के...
मेरे बस में 'गर होता
तो तुम्हें अखबार बना देता ।
अखबार!
जिसे हर कोई पढ़ना चाहता,
पर मैं रद्दी के भाव
तुम्हें किसी कबाड़ी वाले
को दे आता !
फिर जगह जगह से
फाड़ कर,
मरोड़ कर,
वो किसी ठेले वाले को दे आता !
लोग तुमपे जूठा खाना खाते
और
कचड़े में फेंक आते !
तब !
तब शायद तुम्हें एहसास होता
के क्या होता है ,
दिल का
कोड़ी के भाव लुटना,
टुकड़ों-टुकड़ों में कटना !

और भी अच्छा होता
'गर तुम
डिजाईनर लिबास होते मंहगा
तुम्हें बेदर्दी से दो भागों में फाड़ देता
फिर सुई धागे से
तुममे सुराग करता तुम्हें जोड़ता
और दे आता तुम्हें
किसी गाड़ी साफ करने वाले बच्चे को।
न जाने कितने धब्बे लगते तुमपे
न जाने कहाँ कहाँ से तुम फिर फटते
तब !
तब तुम्हें महसूस होता
कैसा लगता है
दिल के जब आरी से
दो हिस्से होते हैं,
जब दर्द के दाग लगते हैं
और मन कराह
उठता है
जलता है
अंदर ही अंदर ... खामोशी में !